Bacon GumballsWTF! cute box, but really? really…?
Dearest Filo,
This product draws on the latest fad to hit the interweb: bacon. As with cupcakes and wall-e and hard core pornography, this is a fad that will soon go the way of hippies and bell bottoms. Okay, those were bad examples.
Nevertheless, fear not. Much of what is found on the world wide web is a result of people trying to amuse themselves. This is no different.
Sincerely,
Wagner T. Farnsworth
craytonc inquires about a recent story of a young Chinese woman was left partially deaf following a passionate kiss from her boyfriend.
Wtf?
Mr. Crayton,
Thank you muchly for your query. There are many documented cases of people undergoing a deep physical or emotional reaction brought upon by any number of unusual stimuli. Why even I still am overcome with feelings of fury and abandonment whenever I go into a horse stable. Some things have no explaination.
However, here we clearly have a classic case of auditory impariment quite common in women in monogamous relationships. Many men have reported that their significant other will seem to disregard them entirely when they say things such as, “I’m not that into you” or “maybe we should see other people” or “I tried on your knickers this morning which is why they’re so stretched out.”
Have a splendid day.
Sincerely,
Wagner T. Farnsworth
myownmelt says, “I almost just signed my e-mail to a coworker with a ” <3 ” at the bottom. I have no idea why. It’s certainly not someone I <3”
That would have certainly be a blunder. I’m just learning the short-hand vernacular of the world wide web, but this is one that had me particularly confused at first. Then it hit me. What is less than three? “2” or in this case “to”. Therefore, the <3 should always appear in the salutation, as in:
<3 Roger,
Many thks 4 the cheez log.
xoxo Wagner
Good luck writing future letters to colleagues.
Wagner T. Farnsworth
jss:
I had a dream last night — a very vivid one — that an angry pit bull was attacking me. I have no idea a)why the dog was attacking me or b)why I was dreaming about said dog attacking me. I woke up scared to death and tried my hand at happier dreams, only to later awake after dreaming about a mangy black lab with rabies attacking me. WTF?!
I’m encouraged to know that so many people look to me on such a wide variety of topics. How amazing I find it, however, when people such as JSS send me questions on which I am an expert, specifically in this case, dreams of being attacked by animals.
As a youngster, yours truely was prone to having what some call ‘night terrors’. I would awaken convinced that some viscious predator were feasting upon my toes. Remarkably, I would often find my feet covered in wetness, no doubt perspiration for what my body believed to be a very real threat.
I remember rather vividly one night in particular awaking with a start. Mother’s riding instructor appeared almost instantly and assured me it was my mind playing tricks on me. That Steven was always so helpful around the house, considering he was a riding instructor. Why I can also remember many times Steven assisting mother with rearranging the furniture in her living quarters while Poppa was away on business.
Forgive me, where was I? Oh yes. Dreams. You should know that when you dream of dogs attacking you, it suggests a need or desire to be sexually submissive. Either that or that you have just viewed the film Kujo.
Have a splendid day.
Wagner T. Farnsworth
sweetiewolfie says, “cold cold cold
so cold that one of my car’s nipples was frozen. i don’t think the proper name for them is “nipples” but i am referring to those things that stick out from the hood and spray the washer fluid.
right, so one of them was frozen so my car was only spraying out of one nipple which seriously is not as effective as with two.
i was hoping to get out of here before all of these winter shenanigans started”
Greetings, Sweetiewolfie. I’ve received numerous letters like this one lately. It seems as though many people are discouraged that they have taken residence in a cold weather climate. Why even Godfrey was telling me the other day about how his dear wife was frigid. I’ll admit to being confused about this since I pay Godfrey a fair wage. Certainly, he can afford heating in his flat.
Nevertheless, if you find that one of your nipples is not working, perhaps you should try cupping your hand over it to warm it up. I hope this is helpful for you.
Wagner T. Farnsworth
ohtrouble: WTF?
Good evening, my darling. Thank you for contacting me in regards to the latest football contest featuring the Tigers of Missouri. While I can surely understand your growing frustration as they appear to be engaging in intercourse with the proverbial canine, take comfort in knowing that their ineptitude in tonight’s competition is little less than could have been expected against a far superior team from the commonwealth of Oklahoma.
By the way, were you aware that Oklahoma is the 27th-most agriculturally productive state in the union? Missouri, on the other hand, ranks 15th. You can take solace in knowing that this is one category in which Missouri defeats Oklahoma soundly. Have a delightful weekend.
Wagner T. Farnsworth
livejamie asks, “WTF? Is that Willy Wonka?”
Greetings, Ms. Jamie.
While some may mistakenly think that the dapper gentleman depicted in this image bears a strinking resemblence to a one Mr. Wonka, most people are unaware that Wonka himself was based upon the great british candyman, Sullivan Q. Suskin. Suskin’s relatively modest candy empire sank due to an incident involving a secret ingredient (it was the opium), a scandal that crumpled his business and his mental capacity. He is rumored to have never removed his top hat for the duration of his 12 years locked in the asylum.
Wagner T. Farnsworth
rocketjumper says, “bacon mints - wtf”
Many thanks to Rocketjumper for alerting me to these delectable treats. I have sent Godfrey out to purchase a box in advance of the annual Wagner T. Farnsworth Foundation Holiday Mixer. I am positive that with the enticing aroma of bacon and mint on my breath, I may finally score an opportunity to dance with the alluring widow Knopfler. Beatrice does love her pork. And that woman has a fanny that has been known to make the gentlemen down at the senior center polish up on their penuchle, if you get my drift.
Cheers,
Wagner T. Farnsworth
(via whatannoysus as posted by livesophia.)
Hello, Ms. Sophia.
I fear I am not quite sure what you are asking of me here but I will do my best to reply.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but I fear your mother may be suffering from some form of dementia. I can recall when Mother was nearing the end, she whispered to me, “Your father was a vacuum salesman.” Certainly everyone knows that my poppa made his fortune in the steel industry so clearly Mum was not well. I wish you the best with your own crazy mother.
Wagner T. Farnsworth
smartblonde says, “I do not want to talk to you while I am going to the bathroom! I do not want you to talk to me! I just want to go about my business and have music piped in at a volume that allows us to not hear ANYTHING. DON’T TELL ME I HAVE CUTE SHOES WHILE WE ARE PEEING. Seriously, wtf is wrong with women!?!? Do boys do this too!?”
Dear Smartblonde,
I can certainly relate to this experience. Why just the other day, I was stepping out of my shower tub, and per usual, Godfrey was standing there with my morning tea and my Egyptian cotton bath towel. And Godfrey says to me most accusatory, “Cold shower, sir?” Why I never! So to answer your question, my darling, yes, I’m afraid boys do this too.
Wagner T. Farnsworth
